


to center on your heart

by asael



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: College, Established Relationship, Future Fic, M/M, Oral Sex, TRK spoilers, post-trk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-27
Updated: 2016-04-27
Packaged: 2018-06-04 21:27:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6676036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asael/pseuds/asael
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Adam worked for so long to get out of Henrietta, to get away, to leave the dust of that place behind him. To leave Virginia for a bright future, never to return again. And now that he’s succeeded, he seems to have left a piece of his heart behind. Set post-TRK, spoilers within.</p>
            </blockquote>





	to center on your heart

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from The Decemberist's 'The Beginning Song'. Much thanks to Rae and Kels for encouragement and letting me drag them into this hell with me.

Adam worked for so long to get out of Henrietta, to get away, to leave the dust of that place behind him. To leave Virginia for a bright future, never to return again. And now that he’s succeeded, he seems to have left a piece of his heart behind.

It’s not a surprise, actually. Two years ago, a year and a half ago, it might have been. His younger self would have looked at him with disbelief, maybe even betrayal. But Adam Parrish has come a long way in two years - he’s found friends, something like a family, an escape from his father and that cramped trailer, magic. Love. Two-years-ago Adam Parrish would have barely believed these things were possible. Freshman-in-college Adam Parrish is only thankful that he understands what they’re supposed to feel like now.

He got what he wanted. He got his pick of colleges, incredible scholarships, a bright future. And now here he is, at the tail end of his first semester, and he’s never missed home like this before.

Adam has shaken the Henrietta dust from his shoes, but he hasn’t untangled it from his soul. And that’s all right, or it would be, except that the sting of loneliness is making it desperately hard to concentrate on studying.

His exams begin after the weekend, and after the last one he’ll be done for the term. Free to do as he pleases until late January, and he already knows what he’ll do.

He hasn’t seen Ronan since September. They spent the summer together, an idyllic few months at the Barns, Ronan dreaming up impossible things and Opal trying to eat them, getting postcards from Gansey and texts from Blue and Henry (texts from Gansey, as well, but postcards were traditional, according to him). Adam quit the warehouse and the factory and just worked at Boyd’s, building up some savings that he didn’t really need but wanted to have. It didn’t hurt that Ronan inexplicably seemed to think Adam is especially sexy when covered in motor oil.

It was incredible and strangely perfect and it had done more to build up Adam’s stock of happy memories than any other summer save the one right before it, when they’d searched for Glendower and he’d found love and magic in equal quantities.

But it ended, and Adam embarked on this new adventure. Ivy League, just like he’d worked for, and so far it’s been everything he hoped. Enough scholarship money that he doesn’t have to work, though he took a job at the library anyway - just to be safe, and because he’s not sure what to do when he doesn’t need to work. A roommate, Derek, who mostly does his own thing, which frankly is exactly what Adam wanted. A few acquaintances, not quite close enough to be friends, but Adam has never been good at making friends. And after Gansey and Ronan and Blue, any other friendship would pale, so admittedly he hasn’t made much of an effort.

Ronan, as it turns out, is better at email than phones, but he’s not all that great at any form of communication that doesn’t involve his physical presence. He texts sometimes, calls rarely, but almost always manages to answer when Adam calls. Mostly he sends emails, which can be anything from a two sentence complaint ( _chainsaw tore up my hoodie. i’m feeding her to opal._ ) to a long, rambly description of Matthew’s last visit. Sometimes they’re just a link to a video, either one Ronan took or something with cute baby animals or a ridiculous meme. Ronan tricked him into listening to Murder Squash four times before Adam memorized the URL in his own defense.

Adam loves them. He’s saved each one of them, and he sends back his own, mundane descriptions of classes (“Sounds boring as hell, Parrish”) or observations of the other students (“If only they all knew what a catty bitch you are”) or - sometimes - pictures he’s taken of the campus, of his room. Of himself, though he always finds that a little embarrassing, even though they aren’t anything racy.

But as much as he treasures those emails and texts and phone calls, tethering him to Ronan no matter how far apart they are, they’re no replacement for Ronan himself. No replacement for the way the sunrise spills across the rolling hills of the Barns, the way everything inside Adam feels calm when he’s there, when he wakes up next to Ronan.

College is great. He’s excelling, working as hard as he ever did at Aglionby but with more time to devote solely to schoolwork. This is the sort of thing Adam Parrish was made for, hard work and academic excellence and success. He has goals and he’ll reach them.

But right now, all he wants is to get through finals and go home to Ronan.

It makes it hard to concentrate, sometimes. He thinks all he’s done is study for the past week, barely eating, sleeping only when he can’t think straight any longer. Someone else might point out that his grades are already excellent, that he’s never failed a test in his life, that maybe he doesn’t need to work himself to the bone. But all of those someone elses aren’t here, and if they were Adam wouldn’t listen anyway.

It’s late Saturday afternoon, the shadows growing longer as the day shades into evening. He was studying at the library earlier, but Derek has a study group in the evenings and vacates their room, and Adam likes the quiet solitude of it. He’s bent over his sociology notes when there’s a knock at the door.

He should be confused, maybe. He should wonder who it is, expect to see someone from down the hall, or maybe Derek back for some forgotten notes.

Instead, in the instant before he opens the door, he knows.

_Ronan._

And it is.

He slouches in the doorway like it’s totally normal to just show up there, hundreds of miles from home, with no warning at all. His head is freshly shaven, and everything about him screams Ronan - torn jeans that cost the gross income of a small country, combat boots, leather jacket. He looks like he should be starting a barfight instead of lurking outside Adam’s door.

Adam has never been so happy to see someone.

“Hey,” Ronan says, all casual, but the set of his shoulders tells Adam that he is nervous. These days, no one can read Ronan like he does, and it’s like slipping back into his native language after months in a foreign country.

“Hey,” Adam says, and he can’t quite suppress a smile. “You could’ve called ahead. What if I wasn’t here?”

“I hate phones,” says Ronan. “I’d have gotten your shitty roommate to let me in.”

For a moment Adam imagines Ronan intimidating amiable, distant Derek. It shouldn’t amuse him. It does.

“Yeah, probably,” he says, and then the door closes behind Ronan and they’re kissing.

It’s everything Adam has missed for all these months. Ronan smells like grass and bird and the Barns, he kisses like he’s been dreaming of Adam’s lips. He’s not hesitant and neither is Adam. They fall into each other with no restraint, Ronan’s hands gripping Adam’s waist, Adam pulling Ronan down to him, fingers on the back of his neck.

He loses track of time, kissing Ronan, his body alight with feeling, but finally they part. Ronan is pleased, Adam can see it in his eyes and the curve of his kiss-slick lips, and Adam knows he looks the same. Like he’s wanted this forever, like a man in the desert who’s finally found a mouthful of cool clear water.

“What are you doing here?” Adam asks, and winces a little at how breathless he sounds. It only makes Ronan grin more, and then Adam has to roll his eyes at him, and it’s all so familiar and good that Adam wants to press himself against Ronan and kiss him again and again. He doesn’t, but god, he wants to.

Ronan shrugs. “Shit, Parrish. I know what you’re like when you’re studying. Someone’s gotta make sure you get some damn chill.”

Adam is mildly offended, but he’s so pleased to see Ronan that he doesn’t let it get to him. “What about Opal? And Chainsaw?” And all the other animals at the Barns, though Adam knows not all of them need Ronan’s care. Dream creatures work on different rules.

“Matthew and Declan came down for awhile to keep an eye on stuff. Figured I’d stay until you’re done, drive you back. The BMW works better in the snow than your shitbox.” It’s not actually snowing, but it’s a good enough excuse, and the studied way that Ronan tosses it out there is enough to let Adam see those nerves again. As if he’s not sure Adam will like that.

And it’s true, Adam needs to study. A week, and finals will be over. He can’t afford to screw up now.

But Ronan is here.

“Look, I have to study. I can’t entertain you,” he says, and it’s not a dismissal. Just a warning, which Ronan hears loud and clear and responds to with a sharp smile.

“What, you think I can’t entertain myself?” His smile is dangerous, and Adam briefly entertains horrifying visions of the lecture halls aflame, his professors with broken noses. But Ronan won’t endanger Adam’s future. Adam trusts that - Ronan was able to let him leave the Barns at the end of summer, drove up here with him and moved him in, and only sulked and scowled when he absolutely couldn’t stand it anymore. He’s been more supportive than Adam could ask for, considering the person Ronan is, his possessiveness and temper.

“All right, fine,” Adam says, his own smile blooming despite his attempts to keep it under control. “Let me finish going over these sociology notes and we can grab dinner.”

So he makes himself comfortable on his bed again, and Ronan roams the small room, restless and curious. He pokes through Adam’s desk, dismisses Derek’s side of the room as boring, and generally makes himself quiet but incredibly _present_. It’s not an interruption, not even really a distraction. It’s those long evenings at the Barns, not talking, Adam reading and Ronan working on some strange thing, neither of them talking but perfectly comfortable in each other’s presence.

God, he missed this.

Eventually he finishes and they go to the dining hall. Ronan doesn’t complain about the food, which is surprisingly decent, and a few of Adam’s classmates say hello. Adam thinks he maybe should be annoyed by the way Ronan glowers and takes his hand, but he’s not at all. Things have always been different for the two of them, Ronan terrifying and Adam distant and the rest of the world held just a bit apart because of it. He’d been bothered by it once, by his inability to blend in seamlessly like Gansey did, but it doesn’t bother him anymore. It just makes him feel like when he’s with Ronan they exist on a plane of their own, apart from everyone else.

And it lets him see Ronan with new eyes. It’s not like he doesn’t know that Ronan comes off as intimidating and thuggish, but it’s so familiar to Adam that he barely notices. It’s just _Ronan_. But now he sees it in other people’s eyes when they look at them. Quiet, studious Adam Parrish and the boyfriend he’s mentioned - because Adam has never kept it a secret. But he knows this wasn’t what they imagined, Ronan is entirely outside of what they thought of when Adam said things like ‘I met my boyfriend in high school, he has his own farm.’

Admittedly, Adam had secretly enjoyed saying things like that and imagining the looks on their faces if they ever met Ronan. And now it’s happening and it’s kind of hilarious.

He laces their fingers together and doesn’t leave Ronan’s side.

They go back to Adam’s room after. Derek is still gone, and Adam goes to his desk to find another set of notes, but Ronan’s hand on his wrist stops him.

“Come on. Study break,” Ronan says, and his grin is sharp and predatory. Once, that would have unnerved Adam, but now the hungry light in his eyes only makes Adam want things.

“I don’t have anything,” he says, instead of telling Ronan he really does need to study, telling him he has an exam in two days. The truth is, Adam can’t stand the thought of staring at pages of chemistry notes for another five hours. Not when he’s got Ronan right here, offering something much better. But it’s true - Adam always figured he’d have warning before Ronan ever visited, some time to pick up condoms and decent lube, and he didn’t need any of that when Ronan wasn’t around.

Ronan shrugs, moves in, pressing Adam back against his desk. “I brought stuff. But it’s cool, I just wanna suck you off.”

Adam can feel the heat in his cheeks, his own mingled embarrassment and arousal. Ronan is so casual about these things, though Adam is well aware neither of them ever had anyone before each other. It’s bravado, or it was at first, and now it’s familiarity. He’s mapped every inch of Adam’s body, and Adam has done the same.

But here, it feels different. Fresh and strangely new, enough so to make Adam blush.

“My roommate might be back soon,” he says, as a last warning, because Adam has already accepted that he’s not going to stop this. He doesn’t have the mental fortitude, not when he wants it so bad. Not when he hasn’t had Ronan’s mouth on him for months.

“Great,” Ronan says. “He can watch and wish he was me,” but he pulls away from Adam long enough to lock the door. Then he’s back, sliding hands under Adam’s shirt and across the sensitive skin of his lower back. Adam shivers at the contact and presses forward, against Ronan.

“I’m pretty sure my roommate doesn’t want to fuck me,” Adam says, amused and aroused and already knowing Ronan’s response.

“What an asshole. Who wouldn’t want to fuck you?”

Adam laughs, because he can never seem to stop encouraging Ronan, and then they’re kissing again. Ronan nips at his jaw, down his neck, steals a few moments to suck a hickey into the divot just above Adam’s collarbone. Adam lets himself enjoy it, lets himself feel every moment of it. He missed this, he missed Ronan, he missed being _wanted_. He can’t get enough of it.

He touches Ronan, too, hands tugging off his shirt, tracing the pattern of the tattoo on his back. Adam doesn’t need to see it anymore, he knows it by memory. He runs his nails across Ronan’s skin, feels him shudder under the touch, and the warm curl of arousal in Adam’s stomach flares to life.

Ronan unbuttons Adam’s jeans, pulls them down around his hips, tugging his underwear down in the same motion. Adam is already painfully hard, and he would be embarrassed by that except what could anyone expect of him? He hasn’t seen his boyfriend in months, after a summer learning everything about each other. He’s made do with his own hand, and even then not that often, because Adam feels far more desire with Ronan than he ever has on his own.

Ronan quirks an eyebrow, but doesn’t say anything, and that’s good, because it’s not like Adam can’t see that this is affecting him, too. He wraps his hand around Adam, strokes him just the way Adam likes, and Adam has to bite his lip and grip the edge of the desk hard as his legs get weak.

“Ronan,” he says, and he’s almost not sure what he’s asking for or if he’s asking for anything at all. Maybe he just wants to say Ronan’s name, maybe he just wants Ronan to hear it.

Leaning in, Ronan kisses him again, hard, and then sinks to his knees. Adam can see him undoing his own jeans, the way his shoulders ease when his hardness is finally free of its confinement. Adam wants to touch him, wants to slide down there with him and taste him. He can absolutely understand the impulse - _I just wanna suck you off_ \- but he tells himself there’ll be time for that later. 

Ronan’s always liked blowing him, and having gotten a decent amount of practice in, he’s pretty good at it. His hand is still on Adam, and he slides it down, wrapping it around the base of Adam’s dick as he leans in to tongue at the tip. The first touch of his mouth makes Adam gasp, and his hand goes out to skim the short, buzzed strands of Ronan’s hair. Adam doesn’t tug at him or move his hips, staying still, letting Ronan set the pace.

And Ronan does, taking Adam in his mouth, tongue sliding against the underside of the head, hand stroking him. Adam jerks slightly, stays mostly still, but he moans. He has to bite his lip to keep it from sounding any more shameless than it already does, and it seems to encourage Ronan.

He jerks himself off while his lips are wrapped around Adam, a feat also achieved with some prior practice. He’s urgent and hungry and something like eager, as strange as it is to assign that adjective to Ronan Lynch. But he doesn’t let up for a moment, singularly focused on getting Adam off, on getting them both off. He takes Adam in as far as he can, licks and sucks and brushes his teeth just barely against skin, just enough for a shudder of pure pleasure to rock through Adam.

“ _Ronan_ ,” he says again, and this time it’s a warning, because it’s been too long and he can’t be expected to stand here with his dick in his boyfriend’s mouth, his gorgeous infuriating boyfriend who he’s missed so much he can’t stand it. He can’t be expected to last, especially not when Ronan is making soft noises of pleasure, the ones that Adam knows mean he’s close too.

No one could be expected to withstand that.

Ronan bobs his head, swallowing him up again, and that’s too much. Adam tenses, holds the edge of the desk so he doesn’t fall, and barely manages to muffle a cry as he comes. There are people in the next room, and just because he has unfortunately heard them having sex more than once doesn’t mean they get to hear him.

He comes in Ronan’s mouth, and Ronan swallows it because he’s disgusting and incredible and has probably had worse things in his mouth, and while Adam clings to the desk and tries to recover, he jerks himself off until he comes, too.

He doesn’t look away from Adam while he does it. It’s almost too much. Adam wants so many things, he wants to fling himself onto Ronan, pull him to the cramped dorm room bed, curl up with him and kiss him until they can both go again. It wouldn’t take long. It never has.

But he doesn’t. There’ll be time later.

They do kiss, after, and Adam tastes himself on Ronan’s lips. They clean up, Ronan presses close and nuzzles his neck in a soft gesture of affection that Adam would have never thought him capable of, once upon a time.

Ronan retrieves his bag from the BMW while Adam collects his notes. He knows having Ronan here will be a distraction, but he doesn’t consider asking him to leave. Ronan came all this way, and Adam has worked through a million distractions before. He’s good at it. And maybe - maybe - he can relax a little sometimes and let himself enjoy Ronan’s presence.

Derek returns not long after. Ronan bares his teeth at him and postures a bit, because he’d do that to anyone who’s been so close to Adam for months, but remains surprisingly civil (for Ronan - Derek looks mildly terrified). Adam introduces Ronan as his boyfriend and gets a good deal of enjoyment out of the incredulous look that elicits.

As it turns out, Ronan is not nearly as distracting as he could be. He lets Adam study in peace, exploring the campus some on his own. He comes back with coffee, or drags Adam out for food, or coaxes him into lazy naps when Adam is getting too overworked. Derek doesn’t say anything about their new temporary resident, and as thanks Adam makes sure Ronan mostly keeps his hands to himself when Adam’s roommate is around.

He’s not around that often. As it turns out, cramped dorm room beds are just fine for sex as long as you’re careful, and Ronan did in fact come prepared. It also turns out that Adam has really underestimated the stress relieving properties of getting thoroughly fucked right after a big exam. Highly recommended for getting his mind off how well he might have done, clearing his thoughts, and letting him focus on something else. And Ronan has always been easy to focus on.

Adam sleeps curled against Ronan in the small space, and sometimes Ronan sleeps and sometimes he doesn’t. Having him there centers Adam, gives him space to be calm and relax. Being with Ronan hasn’t always been easy, but Ronan seems to have a way of knowing just when it needs to be easy, and this is one of those times. It isn’t the Barns, but it’s something, and it’s enough to keep Adam going. His loneliness had been so distracting he could barely take it. He thinks maybe it wasn’t so different for Ronan.

Finals week passes more smoothly than Adam could have hoped. He walks out of his last exam and breathes the crisp winter air, feeling nothing but relief and anticipation. Ronan is there, leaning against the wall by the door, lurking suspiciously and enjoying the wary looks from passing students. Adam smiles at him, and Ronan lights up in his own subtle, sharp way.

“Let’s go home,” Adam says, and Ronan takes his hand, and they do.


End file.
